Forgive, Return, & Be Made New

“But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the one who created him…Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.” (Colossians 3: 8-10, 12-13)

God calls us all to change. To rid ourselves of these things that are not in His image. To put on a “new self.” To forgive. He’s been working on this in me for many years now, but for the past couple of years, something has been preventing progress.

Have you ever been fostering unforgiveness and not been aware of it? I have. And God has just revealed this to me. This sin of unforgiveness has kept my heart from defaulting to these good things: compassion, kindness, gentleness, & patience (especially with my family). And instead I’ve been stuck in the automatic reactions of anger, slander, and sometimes even, abusive speech. I’ve been overly critical, impatient, and sometimes just plain rude. To my children, to my husband, & to myself. And for the last 2 ½ years I just couldn’t seem to get over this hump that seemed more like a mountain. I’ve begged and pleaded for love and compassion for Zach. I’ve prayed without ceasing. I’ve repented repeatedly at the sacrament of reconciliation. But my “old self” keeps rearing its ugly head. But God, in all of his mercy and grace, has finally revealed to me why it is that I have been so stuck. Why has he waited so long to reveal this to me? I don’t know. But I do know that it is in his perfect timing that this is all taking place. My problem has been “hard-heartedness.” He revealed that to me several months ago, but now, just a couple of weeks ago, he has revealed to me what I believe is the solution to softening this stony heart of mine. Forgiveness.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on this blog—over a year-and-a-half. Yikes! It’s easy to write about the happy, fun things going on in life. It’s not so easy to write about the real-life hard stuff that is adoption, and quite honestly the personal change and growth that takes place within the hard places.

So, what has been going on with us since that last post? Well, aside from lots of transition (Natalie’s transition to elementary school, Zach’s transition to middle school, our family’s relocation to Alabama for Todd’s new job, the letting go of my dream & closing of my speech therapy practice, the transitioning to my new role as “stay at home mom to name a few), our family has been on a journey of healing being made new. Healing continues to take place in Zach’s life. It’s really quite amazing to see how far he’s come and the progress he continues to make. Recently, he has even shared a few memories about his life in China and we are beginning to understand a little bit more about his past.

But healing is also taking place in me. A healing that must take place in order to bring Zach to a place of healing. A kind of healing that is necessary to obey God’s 2nd greatest commandment—to love one another as you love yourself. A healing that can only come with the deep understanding of God’s merciful love. A healing that must take place in order for us to fulfill God’s plans.

And progress has certainly been made, but recently I’ve felt stuck. I know now that it’s impossible to heal and to love the way God loves if you are fostering unforgiveness.

Recently God has asked me to do something. Something I really did not want to do, but in the process of discerning whether or not this was actually His will, He opened my eyes to this unforgiveness I’d been holding on to. And I was completely unaware of it. And this thing he wants me to do. It may possibly be the answer to healing this wound. The wound that is keeping me from fully loving Zach the way God loves him.

So what is this thing God is asking of me? Well, it all started with a text. One evening, back in May, I got a text message from an old friend. A friend I had met on the mission trip I went on to China almost 4 years ago. At first, I was thrilled to see a message from her. But as I continued to read the message, the words I read caused my stomach to turn. “I’m connecting you with a friend…leading a team to China…looking for speech pathologists…I thought of you.” My initial thought was “No way. I don’t want to go back to China.” So, I told my friend “Thanks, but I don’t think it’s the right time. I’ll pray about it though.” Let me be honest though, I did not pray about it. My mind was made up. I wasn’t even going to consult God on this because I did not want to go. The end.

But then 2 months later, I received an email from a totally different person saying they thought of me for this exact. Same. trip. Now I know that when God wants me to do something, he persists. Could God really want me to go back to China? Is He really asking me to return to this place that has caused my world to turn upside down. The place where this whole journey even began. This very place that we discovered our biggest fear in adopting an older child into our family became our reality. The place where my heart took to hardening. Does He really want me to RETURN? I responded back to this friend, after at least half-heartedly praying about it (but really my mind was made up) with the same answer, “Thanks, but I don’t think this is the right time.” But something in her response to my “no” made me stop and think. I decided to call her and at least get some more information about this trip. I said to God, “I’ll go if you want me to. You know I will. But, you are going to have make this REALLY obvious if you want me to go. Like have a 3rd person ask me. Or say the words loud and clear “Go to China” or maybe even put them on an airplane banner that flies overhead.

Now the morning before I called my friend, I had listened to a podcast on the topic of “forgiveness”. I know now that it wasn’t by accident that I stumbled upon that podcast. I had been looking for a different podcast, but couldn’t find it. And later that day, as I talked to my friend about this trip, it dawned on me that the reason I was so dead set against going back to China because I was ANGRY at China. I was ANGRY about what happened to my son while he was there. And I had been fostering unforgiveness all this time. And I didn’t even realize it.

Maybe asking me to go on this trip was God’s way of saying “It’s time to let go of all of that bitterness and anger and FORGIVE.” All of a sudden, all of all the work God’s been doing in me over the past couple of years came flooding to my mind. The realization that my heart was hardened and this hardened heart what was blocking me from loving Zach as God loves him. Forgiveness may just be the answer to getting over this mountain.

So, I resolved to pray about this. Actually, REALLY pray about it. And the next day, as I was sitting with Jesus thinking about all of this, the emotions became too much to process, so I decide to read the readings from the daily mass that day, instead. The passage I read was from Jeremiah 3:14-17. It started with this word: “Return” which stopped me in my tracks. But I continued to read. And the final words of that passage read, “and they will walk no longer in their hard-hearted wickedness.” Woah!
“Ok, God. I hear ya!” Although, admittedly, I still wanted to doubt because I hadn’t seen that “sign” I had asked for. Deep down, I knew what I needed to do.

But just to make sure I knew it was Him, God, gave me one of those signs I had asked for. Later that day, Zach was sharing a memory from his “first mom” (which was actually miraculous in and of itself). At the end of the story, he said that he wanted to “go back to China” and see her. After processing what he shared (and helping him process his feelings), it dawned on me that THOSE. WERE. THE. WORDS. The very words I had asked to hear. That was my “airplane banner” and I took that as my final confirmation.

“Well Ok, God, I said. I will go. But you are going to have to convince Todd, because he told me I was not going….”

So, I told Todd the whole story and he said, “Well, it sounds like you think you’re supposed to go, so go.”

And so, I am. I am going back to China. This November. And I feel really good about it. I will be serving on a team of 10 professionals--OTs, PTs, speech-language pathologists, and teachers to help a foster center in the development of a preschool program for the children in their care. I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted just by simply saying “yes” to this trip.
I can only imagine the kind of healing that will take place after actually going back and serving these people with whom I’ve been so angry. Returning may be the single act of forgiveness that will free me from walking in this “hard-hearted wickedness” and allow God to “remove the heart of stone from my flesh and give me a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26b) The kind of heart I need so that I can give Zach the love he deserves. The love of a mama. Pure, unconditional, forgiving, kind, and compassionate. And to finally be able to look at him through God's lenses of LOVE.