“You are awesome.” “You are amazing.” “You’re a saint.” These are words that Todd and I hear often. People look at our family and say these things about us. To us. I’m here to ask you, “please don’t?” Please don’t say this. Please don’t even think this. Because I promise you, we are not. This is not the truth.
We are not any of these things. The truth is, we are imperfect human beings just trying to live a life God has called us to. God called us to this journey and we simply said “yes.” If anything, we are obedient. But awesome? No. Amazing? No. And certainly NOT saints!
Someone said to us recently, “Things could have been so much easier for you, but you CHOSE to do this.” The truth is, WE did not choose this. This path was nowhere to be seen in OUR plans. GOD chose this for us. For our family. We simply said “yes”. But this path has been hard. The past five months have been SO HARD. So much pain and difficulty is wrapped up in this story. We know that blessings will abound in the end. But sometimes, it’s hard to see that. Right now, we are in the trenches. Just trying to figure it out. Just trying to survive. I grow weary. Often. I forget God’s truth. And I fail. Miserably. Every day. Multiple times a day. You don’t always see it. But I fail. I am selfish. I am prideful. I am fearful. I am flawed. Just like you. I am NOT awesome. I am NOT amazing. And I am definitely NOT a saint.
I write these words not to condemn but to expose the truth. For you to think that I am a saint, makes me feel like a fraud. Because you don’t see the moments of truth. The times when I’m so tired, I can’t think straight. I lose my patience and yell at my kids. You don’t see the CONSTANT correcting and redirecting it takes to help a kid who comes from hard places so that he unlearns all the bad stuff and learns healthy and appropriate behaviors. And the times that I just. Can’t. Do it anymore! So I am not so gentle with my children. You don’t see the struggle in my heart to LOVE this little boy the way Jesus does because of my selfishness and fear. You don’t see the fear. There’s SO MUCH fear. All the “what ifs” that the Holy Spirit helped us overcome in the beginning so that we could take the leap of faith and say “yes” to this journey in the first place. That fear haunts me. Daily. Fear of the past. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what lies ahead. I’m paralyzed by this fear sometimes. The pride that I struggle with. The struggle to relinquish control to God. Because this journey is bigger than me. More than I, alone, can handle. But I just want some control in this. The selfishness that creeps into the long hours of the days because sometimes, I just want it MY way. And sometimes I just want to do what I want to do. I don’t want to sacrifice day and night. I just want some ME TIME. And when I don’t get it. I’m grumpy. And I take it out on my kids. And my husband. Constantly fighting the battle between my worldly desires and God’s eternal perspective.
This. This that you don’t see. This is the truth. It is not awesome. Not amazing. And not saintly. So, please, don’t put me on a pedestal. See me as I really am. I am Imperfect. I am flawed. I am a sinner. I am human.
And despite all of this, I am loved. No matter how much I screw up, God will always love me. And his grace can overcome all of this. And he will give me the strength to keep doing this. Every day. And in my imperfection, HE can be glorified! So, I hang on to HIS word and HIS truth every second of every day. And sometimes I forget and it’s in those moments that my humanness prevails and I fail. But the Holy Spirit ALWAYS gently reminds me of the truth and picks me back up and I start over again. And His truth sustains me so others can see the beauty in this story He is writing. Despite the hard parts. And God can be glorified!
This is the truth…
“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24)
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
“Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” (Colossians 3:2)
“For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3:23-24)
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10)